The Cost of Living

The cost of living has always struck me as high in ways that have nothing to do with the state of the economy at a given moment. Up till his mid-twenties, perhaps, a man can get by with being kind of poor, living with room-mates, not owning much, and so on; beyond that point in time, one had better be putting out the right signals -- and most of those signals cost significant money. I say "a man" because I just can't speak to the experience of women, and wouldn't try; but I do think my comments are applicable to both straight and gay men who aspire to the upper middle class.

Signal: physical attractiveness. Largely genetically determined, of course, but a guy had better do everything he can to enhance his natural advantages. Short stature and/or a tendency to heaviness are unfortunate, and put a significant burden on a fellow to overcome them as best he can in other ways -- but these disadvantages are never completely overcome. Nowadays, the ante on physical attractiveness has been upped to the point where a considerable investment in gym time, cosmetic dentistry, and so on, is almost a pre-requisite. Athletic ability is also a huge plus for any man. (My score: I'm tall, lean, reasonably handsome, and have expended plenty of effort, successfully, to enhance my physique. My athletic abilities are laughable, so I'll never have the cockiness of the natural athlete.)

Signal: sexual prowess. You have to be able to show your partner a good time. (My score: not a strong point, as I've written about before. Decent endowment, but I've struggled with erectile dysfunction all my life.)

Signal: educational advancement. The perceived quality of the educational institutions you've attended is a mark forever on you. The bigger the city you live in, the more important a factor this is. In certain professions (law, notably) it is positively determinative of the opportunities you'll receive. (My score: high. I have a B.A. from one of the world's finest universities, and I have a master's degree as well. A master's in anything is an advantage.)

Signal: financial stature. A man past 30 must be able to fling dollars around with some abandon in dating and courtship situations, and to do that, he had best have a healthy professional salary. (My score: I've been a below-average earner my entire life, for one reason and another. Next.)

Signal: professional stature. What's your title? (My score: I attained to a vice-presidency in one of my careers -- without hard money attached, unfortunately, since I was on commission, but I won't pretend the title wasn't sweet. Now I'm a lowly manager.)

Signal: wardrobe. Although this point seems somewhat lost on the generation currently in their thirties and forties, it is clearly an advantage to a fellow to be well put-together. (My score: this is the area in which I enthusiastically over-signal -- people surmise based on my dress that my net worth is astronomically higher than it is. I over-commit resources to this hobby, always have, always will, don't care.)

Signal: car. Wheels are a huge signal. I used to think one could get away without having a car in a larger city with good public transportation, but I was wrong -- it is especially important to the city-dweller to have the nice vehicle (despite the hassles) for weekend get-aways, motoring along Lakeshore Drive, etc. The money we spend on cars is largely about their signaling value, since they lose half their economic value the minute we drive them off the lot; and we could always come up with a utilitarian vehicle for a lot less money than a peacocky one. The display value of an SUV has gone down somewhat recently, but a Lexus or BMW is forever. (My score: mediocre. My paid-off silver Mitsubishi Galant is handsome but not spectacular, and has low marquis value. I really would like a Chrysler 300C someday, even if I have to score a used one.)

Signal: digs. Much better to be an owner than a renter, unless it's a quite expensive rental. A well-appointed condo or house in a superior setting is a must for display purposes, whether you are single, coupled, or childed. (My score: pathetic. When I was coupled, we lived in a beautiful although happily inexpensive home, and I still thought it was an enormous expenditure. I have no feel for home improvement and disliked every dollar spent on it. Now that I'm on my own, I live in a pleasant rental that has no display potential because the apartment complex is lower middle class at best, and I can't bring myself to invest in furnishings I don't care about when new suits beckon. The cat doesn't care if there's no sofa, and neither do I.)

Signal: location. The bigger the city, the more impressive it is to be able to live in style there. (My score: I've lived in bigger cities, but never "in style." Now, at 50, I live in small city Wisconsin -- enough said.)

Signal: luxuries. A vacation home or getaway cottage is good to have. Some extra vehicles -- a boat, a motorcycle, a convertible, an ATV, a snowmobile. (Wisconsinites love their multiple vehicles.) Frequent restaurant-going (what a budget-buster!) is a must. At least one international vacation or cruise per year. An expensive sport hobby such as golf is a great signal. (My score: no second home, no extra vehicles, no tony sport. I had the frequent restaurant meals when I was partnered, and thought it a waste, even though meal prices here are nothing compared to big cities. We did budget vacations to Mexico and the Caribbean, and I enjoyed them, but also felt set back, and wouldn't think to do such a vacation on my own.)

All these signals must be paid for by the single guy simply in order to be eligible, to have a life fit for sharing. Once his status changes to partnered, then married, then childed, the level of financial obligation rises at every step, and new signals become important although none of the core signals listed above disappears, either.

Maybe I have Thorstein Veblen on my brain too much, but this is a game I have never felt able to play, and won't play now. One result is that I have never approached a potential relationship in a financially equivalent position to the other person; and that has worked out so disastrously for me that I honestly can't recommend it. Playing the signaling game is what it takes to be considered worth others' time in my world; I figure I would have to make at least double, more likely triple, the amount that I have ever made, in order to be able to play the game well (and even then, money doesn't quite compensate for all deficiencies).

Do I regret not being able to get in the game? A little; but the cost feels so enormous to me that I can scarcely contemplate it. For all my study of literature, history, and sociology, I don't understand practically how others are able to play this game -- although I do understand the drive to do so.