Chinese New Year Thoughts

Although I have gotten better at so many things as I have aged -- I am a better reader, a better writer, a better pet-keeper, and so on, than I ever have been before -- I have not gotten better at dealing with people emotionally. The realization came to me while I was walking one day: I never shall. And that's OK. It's not a gift I was given. For me, intimacy is now and always has been mainly draining, upsetting, embarrassing, negative in a hundred ways. Whatever positive emotions people are supposed to get from romance, intense quasi-romantic friendship, and sexual closeness, I have never experienced those -- only the frustrating ones. Both sets of feelings are universal, but I missed one side of the equation. I'm sort of a Temple Grandin of positive interactive emotions, only understanding them intellectually; but a Maria Callas of negative interactive emotions -- those I experience all too intensely.

So I have to steer clear of certain situations because there is nothing in them for me but potential grief -- therapy helped me identify my "triggers," and I am very grateful for that. I am also grateful for the friends I do have and who mean a lot to me, even though they are all geographically quite distant. My hobbies are sustaining, and my pets are delightful. It is unfortunate that there is nothing much of interest for me here in Korea except the fact of a modest income (which I doubt I would have now in the States, and that would be calamitous). Coming to Korea and working a difficult schedule for low pay, I have had to learn what my limitations truly are, as an older man who suffers from depression but has to live under less-than-favorable circumstances.

My primary goals for the new year are to improve the circumstances, in order to make my life a little easier and more pleasant. First, to find a Korean university position that offers better hours, better pay, better working conditions (including actual vacations), better digs, and a higher level of respect. Second, to bring over all my belongings from the United States, both those in storage in Nevada and in Massachusetts. My other aims are to maintain my lively interest in the subjects I am interested in, and to keep myself and my beloved animals in good health.

I have far less energy than I once had, and I need to rest myself and to take naps frequently to keep going. Small efforts and minor stimuli can wear me out to a surprising extent. I am still medicated for my depression, and the medication continues to be a godsend, preventing me from losing my mental balance. I have to reject many possibilities from temperament or necessity, but there are still those that I can embrace, and those are what I need to concentrate on -- not regretting the rest. What cannot be helped must be lived with. Despite all, it is quite possible to approach the new year in a good spirit; and I shall endeavor to do so.

POSTSCRIPT: This was originally written for my private blog, Blue and Golden Days, for the Western New Year, and now is updated for my public blog for the Chinese New Year.